明星高中倒數畢業 人生方向請益 - 老師
By Heather
at 2022-06-16T23:32
at 2022-06-16T23:32
Table of Contents
各位大大好,這是小弟 PTT 首 PO ,若有什麼問題還請各位指正。
先說一下家庭背景:父親當警察,母親當美髮師,有一個姐姐在國立大學讀歷史系,沒有
經濟壓力。
我小學一到四年級時成績一般,在我小五時我去了國小附近的安親班,當時的老師可以說
是非常高壓跟填鴨,我要寫非常多的習題,並且秩序、課業不好就會被打,我最晚曾經待
到23點才回家。在那個時期我的成績被逼到到前三名。
國中在父親的期望下考進中部某私中,一開始排名也不算高,父母決定把我送進補習班,
共補英、數、物化三科,而我也乖乖寫補習班的講義跟考卷,之後排名就有上升。最後成
功考上中部某明星高中。
高一時我遇到一位同學:他家是低收入戶,他要幫忙家裡工作,而且還要兼顧課業。他沒
有補習,全靠學校發的課本與講義,以及他的努力。他是班上的前三名。他使我認為靠補
習是對自己的課業不負責任,因此我想讓自己脫離補習班。我下定決心,高中三年都不補
習。
我在這裡忽略了一件事。這個時候的我並沒有培養出讀書方法,我並不會自己讀書。我想
在這時,我已經變成了「別人交代我時我才會做」 的那種人。
高一的狀況說真的還可以,我現在回去翻那個時期的書,上面都有使用的痕跡。
進入高二可以分幾個方面來討論,分別是課業、班級跟社團。簡單來說,都失敗了。
最後我學測跟指考都很差,勉強畢業,錄取了某私校的物理系。
進了大學後,我很討厭周圍的環境與同儕。一個是讀哲學系,詢問他對未來出路的看法,
他對我說:「只要認真努力,我想不管是哪一個科系都有辦法闖出一片天」。結果他天天
打魔物獵人打通宵,玩一玩還會拍桌跟怒吼吵人,還被二一。
而我也沒有好到哪裡去,高三上我得了憂鬱症,高中畢業的那個暑假我決定要拼轉學考,
因為高中有接觸一點程式,對電腦方面也有興趣,所以決定拼轉資工。
大一上時發現自己因為高中基礎太差很多都聽不懂,被二一。
大一下知道自己對物理系真的沒能力也沒興趣,決定全力拼轉學考,把原本物理系的課全
部退掉,並修資工系的課。一開始很順利,教授知道我的遭遇,也很支持我,給我挺多幫
助的。自己也很認真寫 code 、讀轉學考。但在疫情變嚴重後,我回到家遠距,不知道為
什麼憂鬱症變得很嚴重,生活變得混亂,常常做噩夢,噩夢中有人告訴自己為什麼不去死
,不知道自己的存在意義,醒來後都會大口喘氣。最近還有一些衝動的行為,像是半夜
騎 Ubike 騎到離家 20 多公里的地方。
現在我完全不願意碰書跟 coding ,一碰到就會想起高中成績倒數的回憶,想到其他同學
都在好大學努力,而我就是個智障一樣都學不會。感覺自己就像個米蟲,一直花家裡的錢
。
我目前有在身心科治療吃藥,也有在做自費的心理諮商。目前我覺得我真的讀不下去了,
私校的學費還要六萬多。我也不想當米蟲,想先找個工作。但我爸不太願意,他認為我只
有高中畢業,「然後呢?你老了之後要做什麼?」
希望各位能給我一些建議,謝謝。
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老師
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