應屆畢業生英文自傳求批 - 求職

※ 引述《a765112223 (芹菜)》之銘言：
整體文法用字都有待加強
但我沒有全部改出來 只針對邏輯跟內容上的問題做評論
(如果有不對的地方 也歡迎板上的朋友提出意見)


: Extends the deep respect to your industrious work, even you are very busy.
: Thanks to glance through my material. And hoped that it can open an
: opportunity and the success gate for me.

1. 以上整段全刪 客套話不用寫在求職自傳上

: My name is ooxx, Betty is my English name. I do a Master’s. degree

2. 姓名這兩句也刪 履歷一開頭就有你的姓名 不須贅述
3. Master's.(為什麼會有點?) degree 請改成 master's degree
只有當指特定的碩士學位 如M.B.A. 才會用大寫

: in finance at National oo University and research on Fixed-Income
: security. The topic of my paper is ‘Information uncertainty and corporation
: bonds’ liquidity’. I choose to research fixed-income because its low
: volatility and it can take stable income. I believe that it will be helpful
: not only for my work in the future but my financial planning.

4. paper改成thesis
5. 這段看不出來你的碩士論文/學位跟應徵金融業儲幹有甚麼關係

: I learned to be independent and helped to take care of my younger brother
: when I was a child. It makes me become a thoughtful, reliable, and
: down-to-earth person. That’s why I always be the leader in many groups.

6. 照顧家人跟成為團隊領導的關係是？
7. 如果你要用always be the leader in groups, 那理論上下一段你要提出非常強的
論述去證明這句話

: In 2010, I entered a contest which named World Economic Outlook Essay
: Competition with my friends. We had to organize three English papers and an
: English article in three hours, then presented them to judges. I used topics
: and abstracts of those paper to know the contest and let my teammates connect
: to the article. We spent two hours to organize them, and different from other
: teams we have more time to do analysis. We not only presented the information
: of those material but elaborate our conclusions. Then we got a silver medal.

8. 這段是強調競賽的經驗 我會建議你用條列法舉出重點(成果/負責工作/能力培養)
　　 而不是過程流水帳
例如: Winning the silver medal in World Economic Outlook Essay
Competition in 2010, responsible for xxxxxx, showing that I am
capable of doing xxxxxxxx

: During the institute, because of classmates’ reliance and professors’
: recognition I continue to hold the leader of the class when reelected, even
: been picked for assistant of EMBA program to solve all of those students’
: problems. Of all assistant, they most favorite me. Whenever they need help,
: thy always find me to help deal. I'm not just an assistant, but their
: secretary.


　9. 這段是研究所打工經驗(?) 建議格式如上段列成第二點
10. 結論收在 I am not just an assistant but their secretary
個人覺得非常怪(至少從你敘述的方式跟金融業儲幹連不起來)

: I also be administrative assistant in department of finance general office.
: Due to strong sense of responsibility, I don’t just finish my job, every
: time they have many works to do, I’m always ready to help to relieve their
: heavy workload. They tell me that I’m the most proactive assistant. For this
: reason I’ve worked here more than one year.

11. 建議格式如前列成第三點
12. proactive is a good term to be used in a CV, but I don't see you address
it in a reasonable way, I only see you emphasise that you are ready to
work overtime (which is very different from being proactive).

: Volleyball’s group mentality is the reason that I'm fanatic about this
: sport. Fighting with teammates and sharing the honor to each other are
: wonderful things for me. In college, I’ve been an event planner for annually
: beach volleyball activity many times. When I had different thinking from
: others, I tried to stand in others’ shoes and ask seniors for suggestions in
: order to solve the problem and make the following work be carried on
: smoothly.

13. 社團活動經驗 建議下個標題跟先前工作實務經驗作區隔 不然延續前段很不搭
14. 這段敘述中 我看不到任何"實例"去論述你具備溝通不同意見的能力
在履歷自傳上很重要的原則是，你宣稱自己有這項能力，都應該要拿得出
　　 一個甚至更多的例子

: With my great specialized knowledge of finance and highly proactive, I am
: confident that I will fit management associate. It's been said, ‘Where there
: ’s a will, there’s the way!’ I believe that pressure can make me grow up,
: so I’m not afraid of meeting challenge. China Development Financial Holdings
: gives good opportunity and a series of well-designed training sessions to
: make freshmen become an excellent MA. Wish you can give me a chance to prove
: it. I am eager to be one of the programmers and I will pay attention to your
: firm's development as always, and express my sincerest wish.

15. Great specialized knowledge? 如果履歷有附上數篇得獎論文的話我才會這樣寫
16. 後面客套話我不會加 除非這些客套話可以增強對方對我在能力上的印象



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